We’re In This Together by Nine Inch Nails

I remember when Steph told me her idea of William’s Playlist.  I told her I thought that it was a great idea and that it would be a great way to use something we both love, music, to help her explain the huge amounts of emotion that we went through, and go through on a daily basis.  I also thought, even though she is the writer in the marriage, that I would like to try to have a little contribution to William’s Playlist.

The song that immediately came to mind for me was, We’re In This Together by Nine Inch Nails.  All you would have to do is look at my “Spotify 2023” to see how much this song meant to me over the last year; it was in the number one spot.

Nine Inch Nails has always been one of my favorite bands. I remember my cousin John introducing me to them when I was way too young to understand anything they were saying. I think I was originally drawn to them because they have no problem throwing around all the curse words. 

Throughout Steph’s pregnancy with William, we had numerous conversations about what our boy name would be.  Steph and I came to an almost immediate consensus what we’d name a girl, but it took almost to the end of the pregnancy to settle on William for a boys name. During almost every one of those brainstorming sessions, I’d throw out the name Trent. The first time, as a serious idea.  Then I saw the IMMEDIATE disgust on the faces of Steph and my mom.

Steph said, “Trent, ew no. Why Trent?”  I didn’t tell them the first time, but the name came to mind because of the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor. Somehow, it didn’t surprise me that Steph had as much contempt for the name Trent as she does for my favorite band.

Steph doesn’t like a whole lot of my music. I can get away with listening to some oldies that we both enjoy, but for the most part, if it was something that was created during my lifetime and I like it, she probably isn’t a fan.  

With that being said, during William’s life when Steph wasn’t around, I would be listening to We’re In This Together, along with the rest of the album, “The Fragile”. Whether it was blasting it in my car on the way home for a shower and a little R&R time (usually a couple of hours of video games away from the hospital); with my headphones playing it to drown out some of the beeps and boops of the ICU room in hope of trying to get a couple of hours of sleep on a night where there wasn’t anything immediate to worry about; or sneaking it in and listening to it with William when Steph went home or to Grandma and Grandpa’s to see the dogs. I was looking forward to getting William into all the music that his mom despised, but I know that’s something she would have loved.

This song for me was a perfect representation of everything I was going through.  To me, it somehow encapsulates all the emotions I felt, for the two people I cared about most.  It’s somehow hopeful, yet hopeless; angry but accepting.  In the end, no matter what happens, and how incomprehensible the situation is, it was William and I, and William and Steph, and Steph and I that had to make it through somehow.

Every time I would drive through the Lowry Hill tunnel on I-94 I would hold my breath, just saying to myself, “I hope William will be ok,” and to this day it’s something I still do.  When I’m by myself, this ritual of mine is usually accompanied by We’re In This Together Now and some tears, but even now, knowing that “Our world has been broke in two,” I can still hope William will be ok, and get a little comfort knowing that where he is now he is whole, and he is ok.

This song also brings me back to all the nights Steph and I had to have our dreaded “How do we go forward and what do we do?” talks in the hospital. I would sometimes joke, that since William was in a bed, and being cared for by nurses, making us talk about this stuff was one of his only ways of being mischievous with us. Having to have a weekly discussion on the mortality of your beautiful baby boy really takes a toll, and trying to rationalize it any way we could made it feel slightly less unfair. These talks were the hardest thing that I think I’ve ever had to do. To try to absorb all the information we had, along with all the unknowns that could pop up daily, and make a decision for what is best for a perfect little baby boy. Steph and I would do our best to both come at it from our points of view, and then reach what we thought was the best decision. The thing I remember most though, from all these horrible talks, was Steph always wanting to end it, “Whatever happens, we’ll be ok, right?”  It seemed hard to think that we’d ever be ok again, but I knew where she was coming from, and what she meant, and always answered, “We will.”

To this day, “We still make it through somehow.”  The strength that I see Steph show everyday is something to behold. Not only does it make me so proud of her and everything she does, but it reminds me of the strength that William showed day in and day out. When I see her live her life, it is very apparent that he got all that from his mom. That is something that makes me know that we’re all “in this together, [that no one is] gonna to stop us now”, and “we will make it through somehow.” 

-Alex, William’s Dad