Angel By The Wings by Sia

Last week I shared that I had experienced about a month long deep depressive episode after having a miscarriage and this week, I want to dive a little bit further into that. I know I don’t usually put any disclaimers or trigger warnings on these posts because they are all triggering for someone in some way, I’m sure of it. This one is going to be an in-depth dive into what the month of December looked like for me. It can absolutely be triggering, and I want you to each take care of yourselves while reading it. I share this because I want to normalize it for anyone who needs to know they’re not crazy and definitely not alone. I want anyone who lives with depression, even just situational, that like it’s said in this song, “you can do anything.”

One night in December, after I explained how stuck and hopeless I was feeling, Alex asked me, “What do you really want to do? What would make you feel better?” I cried and spat out, “being with William is the only thing I want to do.” He wanted to help me really think about what I truly wanted to do. Whatever it was- no matter how big- he was going to support me. Maybe I wanted to call into work for a week, maybe I wanted to start over with a different job, maybe I wanted to travel to Wyoming to be with my mom and best friend and cousins for Christmas. I don’t know that he was expecting my answer, but that was where he was coming from. It was a deep, honest question- he wasn’t trying to brush it off or put a bandaid on it. He was trying to make me feel safe to express it.

The next morning, as I drove to work where I have the best support system in my co-workers, I thought about that on repeat. I didn’t turn on music, I was just sitting with myself and that thought. Imagining for the millionth time what it would feel like to even just be in the same room with William again and the reality that I would have to die to make that happen took over every thought. There was never a plan or even full ideation. Actually, it scared me. When I told my therapist about it, I was afraid of what her reaction would be. Even if I was nervous for what would come after telling her, I knew I needed to so she could evaluate if I needed more help. To my surprise and relief, she explained that it was a natural progression of thought, as long as I felt safe. I did feel safe, I was terrified of that thought and what was coming after because I hadn’t been in that mindset for so long… but when I used to get into that mindset, there would be physical follow-through in the form of self-harm or an eating disorder or that actual attempt at dying. I wasn’t there and I knew that.She explained the “natural progression of thought” comment: I wanted to be with William- I can’t be with him here on earth- the answer to how to make that happen is to go where he is. It didn’t progress past that though. I was expecting it to result in spiraling and even deeper pain, but it never did.

When this song came on, on my way to work a couple days after that Monday, and a couple hours after I talked to my therapist about it all, it fell heavy on my heart. “So your wounds they show, you have never felt so low. But hold on… take an angel by the wings, beg her now for anything, beg her now for one more day… time to tell her everything, ask her for the strength to stay.” I wept in my car again, but this time I was sitting up a bit taller. I imagined begging the angel to help me. I imagined her weeping with me and saying, “you can, you can do anything, anything. You can do anything.”

Sia continues singing, “Look up, up to the sky, oh look up and don’t ask ‘why…’ just take an angel by the wings…” Then maybe another “natural progression of thought…” I imagined William. I imagined seeing him again if I was to go to him like I wanted to two days before. I imagined his knowing eyes and I imagined holding his face and saying, “I couldn’t help anyone else or feel joy again because I missed you so much.” Behind my closed eyes, I saw his face fall. I saw William feel sad because I didn’t do what I know I’m meant to do with his story. I saw him sad because he loves me, just as much as I love him and I believe he genuinely wants me to feel joy because that’s what I wanted for him when he was here. I sucked in air and opened my eyes.

Then, on Christmas night, Alex and I were watching the football game on TV and I thought about this encounter again, but this time I imagined seeing William when I die, not from my own hand. I imagined what it will be like when I see him and I get to hold his face, then say, “Look how I helped other people and look how much joy I experienced because I missed you so much.” I turned to Alex and said, “I’m done being in this mindset.” I told him I was going to keep going; that I was going to be alright (in so many words.)

Trust me when I say that I know it’s not this simple- imagining things to make you feel better or more hopeful. I know it can feel absolutely impossible to wake up the next day or fall asleep the next night. Just know that if you ever find yourself in a position like this… if you find yourself wanting to go to that other place by your own hand- all you have to do is listen to this song and know that you truly “can do anything.”

I love you, thank you for reading and witnessing this journey. Thank you for knowing William and thank you for staying here with me. We’re gonna make him, and ourselves so proud.

If you can’t get out of that space, below you’ll find a link with resources to help you:

https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/resources/index.html … you can also call or text: 988