The Light by Sara Bareilles

We walked around the parking lot of Maple Grove Hospital after it was recommended by one the ambulance EMTs. The idea was to give them space and time to get William to M Health Children’s Masonic Hospital and in the NICU. We had talked to several people in such a short amount of time and I had just given birth for the first time, less than 48 hours earlier. We had stuffed my car full of all of the things we came prepared with, but none of that could’ve prepared us for what had just happened. Alex placed my hand in his as we silently walked over the pavement.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” I choked out and he nodded in agreement. I saw a tear drop down his left cheek as we stepped onto a curb. He quietly said, “I think it’s going to be alright.” Hearing him say that brought a moment of peace to me and I believed him. It reminded me of when I was in labor just a couple days before that. I was holding onto the side of the hospital bed and burring my face into the plastic. Alex’s face was really close to mine, and when I looked up into his eyes I said, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” He smiled a small smile, brushed his hand over my forehead to rest on top of my head and he said, “You can do this… it’s going to be okay.”

A few weeks later, as we sat outside of the hospital we had made home with William, we were silent again. I looked at him through my own tears and said, “we have to pinky promise that we’re gonna be alright. No matter what happens.” I knew from past conversations that Alex would never make promises or speak in absolutes. The only time I had heard it was at our wedding- during his vows. I understood why he didn’t make promises because “anything can happen at any moment.” But like our wedding day, he made an exception this day as I requested it of him. He reached his right pinky into my lap and I wrapped my own around it and we squeezed at the same time.

I remember hearing this song for the first time after Alex and I had gotten serious as far as dating goes. I played it on repeat and smiled as the lyrics played, “Who I was before you, I can do without.” I felt different after I had realized I loved him. I felt sure of life and what was coming. Every time I heard this song after that I thought of him. Even still, I think of him. And I think of William.

It’s hard to put into words how it feels to become a mother. When I met William, as they tried to get him to cry on my chest, I kept saying over and over again, “It’s okay. You can cry.” When he finally cried, I did too. That night, after everyone had left and Alex was asleep on the makeshift bed, I looked at William and could feel the world (my world) had shifted. I didn’t even recognize that it was love, I just knew that everything had changed and I was happy about it.

As William grew, I recognized Alex in his face. Especially when they slept. I don’t remember when it hit me, but the overwhelming understanding that I loved William like I did because he was made from me and Alex was quite a realization for me. Alex is my best friend, but William is my favorite person. William was made from the love between the two of us. And no matter what, we were gonna be okay, because we had pinky promised.

When I listen to this song now, I think of the phone call I made to my older brother, Jeremy a couple weeks before William died. I cried and told him that I just got this overwhelming feeling, after looking at my sweet, incredibly sick son, that no matter what happens- William is going to be alright. Whether he’s here with us or onto the beauty of heaven, he was going to be taken care of. That was what was going to keep me moving forward.

And it does keep me moving forward- every morning. The first lyrics of this song are, “In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane. Not a trace of the sun, but I don’t even run from rain. Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding onto you…. you’re the air in my breath filling up my love-soaked lungs, such a beautiful mess intertwined and overrun. Nothing better than this knowing that the storm can come. You feel just like the sun.” I picture William and Alex. The two of them- sharing so much with me and having my heart burst with love even when the storm is pouring down.

“I hear [them] say ‘we’ll be alright’” many times throughout my days and “I’m gonna [continue to] trust [them].” I truly mean it when I sing, “Who I was without you I can do without. No one knows where it ends, how it may come tumbling down, but I’m here with you now.” It started with falling in love with Alex and that turned into making and welcoming William. Now, as the vision of what our family should look like has “come tumbling down,” I know it’s gonna be alright. We’re gonna be alright. And most of all, William is alright where he is. And someday, both Alex and I will follow him “into the light.”