Oceans by Hillsong United

The blood pressure cuff Alex had at home was now wrapped around my arm. I was sitting in William’s hospital room four days after he was born, humoring my husband and mom by taking my blood pressure. My ankles were extremely swollen and I had been battling a headache for a couple days. I insisted that the headache was from crying pretty much non-stop and my ankles were swollen because I had just given birth. “It’s nothing- I have my feet elevated and I’ll be fine.” However, when the numbers came up on the screen (161/110), I knew they had been right. I was pre-eclamptic, but postpartum. I needed to go to the emergency room.

As I sat in the waiting room with Alex next to me, in the same building as William, but too far away for my comfort, we knew William was expecting a doctor to come visit him, so I insisted that Alex go back to William’s room and said I would see him when I was done getting checked out and put on some meds. I didn’t want William to be without even one of us, let alone both of us, and Alex was visibly frustrated. He looked straight ahead and said, “There’s no good thing to do right now. If I don’t stay with you, if they tell you you need to be admitted, I know you’re going to fight them on it and I don’t want you to freak out if I’m not there.” I promised him I would call if I started to “freak out” and he reluctantly got up, kissed my head and walked back across the hospital to William’s room.

“If I just take a lot of deep breaths and try and stay calm, I’m sure the numbers will get better and I’ll be fine to just get some medicine and go back.” That’s what I told myself as I waited. Once I got to the room I’d be in, my mom had shown up at the front and found her way back to me. She was in the room when the incredibly understanding and concerned OBGYN told me it was safest to be admitted and put on a magnesium IV drip. This would prevent me from having a stroke or seizure. I cried and said I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t not be with my new-born son who’s just been admitted a few days before for a surprise heart defect. I couldn’t leave Alex alone either. And actually… I didn’t want to be alone. I was scared; we all were. The doctor left the room after explaining the risks and encouraged me to think about it and talk with my mom.

I could see it in my mom’s eyes; she understood, but she also was looking at her child who was sick and needed medical attention. She was holding back and letting me talk through it with her, but I knew what she thought. All of a sudden, the tears pooled and I knew that I needed to listen to the doctors. I knew that it wouldn’t help my William if I had a stroke or even died on the floor of his room because I didn’t want to be away from him. I heard Alex’s concern in my head once again, “If I’m not here, you’ll freak out.” So, I told my mom that when the doctor came back in I would agree, but needed to make sure I could see William.

“Oh. Yes, of course. You’ll be three floors up from him in the postpartum unit. They just need to take your vitals every three hours. So, they’ll wheel you down to be with him and then every three hours come get you to get your vitals. No big deal.” I sighed in huge relief- I could do both- take care of myself and William. So, when I got up to my room, they took my vitals, started my medicine and then I was down in William’s room. Alex was holding him and even though it was a big production to do so- they wheeled me up next to his bed and then transferred him into my arms.

Three hours later, they came to get me to bring me back up for vitals and Alex encouraged me to stay up in that room and try and get some sleep. I knew he was right- it had been a long few days and I was sick. I needed to try to rest. He followed me upstairs so he could say goodnight and then head back down to William. When he left, I laid in that hospital bed and closed my eyes for maybe two minutes before the crying started. It was ALL hitting me now. I wanted to write it down or do anything to make sure I would remember all of the chaos swirling around in my head. I wanted to share it with someone- anyone- so they could witness it. The magnesium made me dizzy and I was so tired, so writing was out of the question. Instead, I took out my phone and recored a video. Turned out to be 8 minutes long and a lot of magnesium slurred words and tears, but I got it all out. I got it out of my brain in hopes I could get some sleep.

In the past, I’d struggled with insomnia. It had a lot to do with the Bipolar and PTSD I was diagnosed with before this point. Unfortunately, I never found a medication that helped me to regulate any of that, that worked for me. So, I had to work with a therapist (well a few therapists) to figure out alternative ways to cope. I had tried a lot of different things: meditation, no screens before bed, limiting caffeine intake… the only thing that seemed to help was to play one particular song over and over again. I would put it on repeat and set a sleep timer for 30 minutes… I would always be asleep by the time the song stopped playing. So, that night, four nights after William was born, I played the song… this song.

I wept as the voice sang, “Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you’ve never failed and you won’t start now. So I will… keep my eyes above the waves.” That night, I had understood for the first time why this song meant so much to me. It wasn’t because I felt like a guy in the sky was listening to me cry or because I knew everything was going to be okay… it was because no matter what came, there would be love and grace. I didn’t know if William would be okay, and it turned out, he wouldn’t ever leave the hospital, but I knew that I loved him and his dad. I loved our family and the people who were surrounding us beyond what I could put into words to share. I finally understood what and who God was. It isn’t a man sitting on a literal throne, God is Love and Grace and that had never failed; and it wouldn’t ever fail. So, as I laid there with my eyes closed and tears coming out of them, I felt a tiny bit of peace. Only a brief moment, but I felt it and I understood it. That’s what I understand of the Holy Spirit and faith.

“Spirit, lead me where my trust is without boarders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you may call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder and my faith with be made stronger…”

This was an ocean we were in; I was scared and sick, my son was really sick and brand new, my husband and family were scared and worried. But in that moment, I promised myself, William, and all my loved ones that I would keep pushing my eyes above the waves from that moment forward. Because the love I knew now wasn’t going anywhere. If I ever felt like it was disappearing, I would only have to walk up next to William’s bedside and look at him to be reminded. And now that I can’t walk up to William’s bedside and kiss his head, I can listen to this song and remember that night lying alone in that hospital room feeling terrible from the magnesium. I can listen to this song and feel the hope, grace, love and peace from that moment and picture William’s blue eyes. The promise I made comes rushing back and I lift my eyes above the waves of this never-ending ocean.